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Dating, First Date Confusion

WeeWilly writes to us….. 

Dating confuses me - a lot.  I never did much of it prior to my marriage, but as a divorcee of some 10 years now, my heterosexuality and natural instincts occasionally direct me to pursue female companionship.  I truly wish they wouldn’t, because I’ve come to the sad conclusion that I’m rather clueless about most everything such a pursuit involves.

Why do we date in the first place?  I do so with a single intention - to determine if my “date” is someone I could potentially spend the rest of my life with.  Apparently, some women date just for fun.  The nerve.  I suppose that’s fine, but I wish they would let me know this before I spend a good chunk of money trying to pretend I actually have some.  Frankly, sexual tension, which nearly all dating involves, can detract a bit from the enjoyment of an outing, so I’d think one would prefer to go out with same-sex friends if looking for nothing more than entertainment.  The reason for dating confuses me. 

I’m also confused about when you can declare you’re “dating” someone.  How many dates constitute “dating?”  Perhaps it’s not the number of dates, but the length of time between the first and most recent date that’s significant.  In that case, how much time is it exactly?  Do you have to proclaim yourselves to be dating, or do you simply assume it to be so?  I figure I’m “dating” if I make it to a second date, but the timeframe seems to differ with each woman, some of whom have no timeframe at all.  I’ve learned that these women are best avoided unless you enjoy overanalyzing every word and action in an effort to determine where you stand.  The mind can concoct some fascinating interpretations. 

When to attempt the “first kiss” is also very confusing.  As a general rule, I avoid a first date kiss unless the woman specifically asks for it.  That’s happened once.  I should have married her.  But if I get to a second date, then I’m keen to watch for signs that she’s receptive to having our lips engage.  Unfortunately, it seems I read women slightly less accurately than I read Mandarin Chinese.  I do wish I had better control over my hormones.  Even on those occasions when my advances are not rebuffed, there’s the issue of exactly how long the first kiss should last.  I tend to go as long as she seems to be enjoying it, which can be anywhere from a few seconds to a few hours, that is if I’ve read her correctly.  Refer to the previous comment regarding Mandarin Chinese.  Of course, there’s also the possibility of being too coy, which may be equally unappealing to some women.  “Coy” has not been my problem, but kissing still confuses me.

If you make it passed the first date and by some miracle get her to agree to a second (hopefully without the promise of remuneration), what dating pace should you set?  Should you arrange something for the next weekend, or is it better to play it cool and allow a weekend to pass so that your desperation and excitement aren’t so evident?  In one particular brief relationship, I had every intention of playing it cool, until she asked me to an event the following weekend.  After that, I threw caution to the wind, and the wind whisked me away like a child’s rag doll stolen by a mischievous puppy.  I’d read that woman like she was a book written in Mandarin Chinese.  Dating pace confuses me.   

And finally, where do you go on a second date?  The first date location is usually fairly easy to choose since most people are receptive to just sitting in a coffee shop or the like and chatting, but what’s next?  You want to show your potential partner a bit of imagination, but also want to do something that allows you to get to know one another better.  A movie isn’t a good choice since theater etiquette general dictates that you not talk through the film, a dance club isn’t great unless you enjoy screaming at and spitting on your date in an effort to be heard over the music (plus you might not want her to see your retro-80s moves just yet), going out to dinner could require a little more expense than you’re willing to assume at this point, and taking a hike (which she might tell you to do alone if you choose poorly) is dependent on the weather, thus difficult to plan.  I’ve invited women to my home, but apparently I bare some resemblance to a psychopathic maniac, so that suggestion is usually met with considerable reticence.  Picking a location for a second date confuses me. 

Perhaps I should become a priest - but organized religion confuses me too.  But I’ll save that discussion for another day.     

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